I swear I was THIS CLOSE to being normal. I’d been in the nurturing embrace that is Seven Sisters and felt like I could finally emerge from my chrysalis.

I didn’t realise this new world outside was, like… crumbling away beneath my feet. 

I’m feeling like the ground is falling away, like my insides are black tar, like every seam and scar on my heart have all unraveled and I’m dying, I’m dying, I can’t breathe. Nothing is solid and my hands just won’t stop fucking trembling and when was the last time I even slept?

Maybe I did die, and this is the half life of a walking zombie I have to get used to now.

It’s been over a year since I wrote one of my favourite poems about not fitting into the boxes people wanted me to as a kind of break up letter (yes, I am that dramatic, welcome), but I’m still grieving that loss. 

After a solid twelve months of being in constant flight or fight with my heart (and all the super fun things that did to my body and brain, whoops), yesterday the final blows were made. 

And even after everything I have worked through this last year… I don’t know if I can survive this one. 

I don’t know how to stop picking this wound. 

I don’t know how not to look at things I’m not supposed to.

I don’t know how…

I  just don’t know. 

I feel lost, broken. Numb sometimes, but sometimes on the floor of the shower sobbing.

I don’t know what you are supposed to do when you grow in the opposite direction to the person you love most in the world. 

I don’t know what you are supposed to do when the person you love most in the world doesn’t see you drowning.

I don’t know how to deal with the fact that I will always be the bad guy because I’m the one who walked away, when really I am still here! Can’t you see me? I have always been here. If I really wanted to leave I would have left already. Instead I’ve been here, waiting.

I remember weeks of thinking, If you just ask me to, I’ll stay. If you just ask me to, I’ll stay. If you just ask me to, I’ll stay. Repeating like the most desperate prayer of someone who has no alternative but to turn the a higher power they’ve never believed in.

But I wasn’t asked then. I wasn’t asked now. 

I won’t ever be asked to stay.

And this doesn’t feel real.

And so many hearts are breaking around the world right now for so many different reasons, and I hate to add my pain into this storm we are all weathering. 

But I’ve learnt I can’t do this alone anymore, and this is my white flag, and my hands reaching out for anything.